Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

Dr. Cull was my wife’s physician and delivered both of our children. There were complications with Jameson’s birth but luckily both my wife and son were ok minus some bruising. In hindsight there were many people at the time questioning our choice in an Obstetrician. My wife had been with Dr. Cull for years and it just didn’t make sense for her to change based solely on rumor.

However, after our second child was born, the rumors became much louder and hard to ignore. She moved her practice more towards cosmetic procedures and at that time, my wife found a new Dr.

Now, here we are four years later and Dr. Cull has been suspended for drinking on the job as well as suggestions of drug use.

The full article is on the Columbus Dispatch web site.
http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2010/01/14/copy/missedbullet.ART_ART_01-14-10_B4_3CG9UJN.html

Jameson and I had just got him settled in his bed when this little battle of the minds started taking place. I heard his door open, about midway through my rant. “Hatteras, I am sick of this. Here is the deal, since you no longer listen to me, we are going to start a trade. Every time you choose to not listen, I am going to take a toy from your room. It’s your choice, you can decide what you want to lose.”

I, then frustrated, headed back to our bedroom with my tail between my legs, as my daughter crying followed me to our bedroom. A minute or two later, my son came in dragging his own sleeping bag and pillow. He also had a cd in his hand. “Dad, I don’t need this anymore”. He then proceeded to lay his sleeping bag out as I started laughing. In hearing the exchange between Hatteras and myself, he decided that he had lots of things to get rid of from his room. After all, I did say that she could choose and he assumed that he could as well.

In the end I had two children in our bedroom instead of one but Deb and I were laughing so hard that we really didn’t care.

Monday: Projects. I will post details on any of my little projects. You will likely find everything from home improvement ideas to kids crafts.

Wednesday: Geek speek. I will discuss software and technology.

Friday: Everything else. Cooking, opinions and anything else that doesn’t fit into a neat little category.

Family notes will be posted anytime that we have time.

I also am going to start making notes on my garden, sort of a daily journal. Due to the fact that I assume that this will bore everyone to tears, the posts will not appear on the front page of the blog. I will add a new menu item at the top that will access all of the garden notes.

We spent our spring break vacation in Pensacola on Perdido Key. We rented the Rabby family beach house for the week and tried not the damage any of their belongings. A lot of fun and sun, absolutely perfect weather. Continue reading for a blow by blow of the week’s festivities.

March 20th and 21st, The long road down

We decided to take off on Thursday night to try to limit the amount of time the kids had to sit in the car in one day. We only made it a little past Louisville, KY before we stopped for the night. Friday was a long day. One car accident stopped our progress for a little over one hour. We eventually reached the Beach House on Perdido Key a little after 7:00pm.

March 22nd, Joe Patti’s!

Today we ran into Pensacola to go to a fish market known as Joe Patti’s. You should go if you are ever in the area. Deb and I love seafood and this place had seafood in abundance. Joe Patti’s is right on the docks, the shrimp boats are pulled right along side of the market. The market not only has any seafood you could want but also anything that you could think of to cook with it. We ended up buying about 6 lbs of shrimp, a couple of pints and crab claws and fingers and 25lbs of whole oysters. The shrimp was for Easter brunch but upon returning home, we immediately started shucking oysters. Between just two couples we managed to eat all of the oysters minus about a dozen which we devoured the next day. That evening, Steve and Marsha took us on a little tour of the river on their pontoon boat.

March 23rd, Easter, and Glenn’s birthday

There is truly nothing like spending your birthday and Easter eating seafood and enjoying your friends company. We had a Shrimp boil for our brunch with many yummy sides. After eating our full, the men went across the street to some dunes on the way to the beach to hide Easter eggs. Both of the kids had a great time but Jameson was a little more energetic than Hattie which caused some unhappiness on Hattie’s part. In the end it took all of the adults to make sure that we hadn’t littered the beach with our little Easter finds. To end the day, there was a large fire in one of the neighboring condos. Luckily, no one was hurt but the one condo was a loss. We watch the fire burn for over two hours. Over 14 pumper trucks showed up with 4 paramedic squads on site as well. The amazing end to the story is that when we looked at the damage the next day it was as though someone had cut one condo out of the six or so in the group. There was no front wall or roof. But… by the day we left to come home, the condo not only was completely reframed, it also had siding on the front and the roof was completely redone. From the outside, there was almost no indication that there had been a fire.

March 24th, Grumpy old man day

Very little happened today other than the usual went to the beach type of activity other than… We went to the grocery store that morning to pick up snacks before we went to the beach. I ran in while Deb and the kids stayed in the car since we only needed a couple of things. When I came out a few minutes later, Deb was waiting in front of the store. While I was unpacking the items into the back of the van, an old man came up and started giving Deb a tongue lashing for parking in a supposed road. Deb in her wisdom smiled and thanked the man. Oh, if only I had her restraint. I followed the geezer up to the front of the store to ask him what the problem was. For the next few minutes we argued over the fine points of “stopping” vs. “parking” and what on earth could have made him so nasty at 9:30 in the morning. My only suggestion is that if you find yourself at a Winn Dixie in Pensacola Florida, be on the lookout for grumpy old men.

March 25th, The beach

The middle of the week found us lounging about the house and the beach.

March 26th, The Blue Angels

Typical of Deb and I, we woke up this morning with no plans around 7:00am. About half way through a cup of coffee, Deb suggested that we check out the Blue Angels. The Navy base is about 15 to 20 minutes away and the Blue Angels had a public training session today from 8:30 to 9:30. So within the period of about 5 minutes we decided to go. Rushing around the house, getting us and the kids ready we got out of the house around 8:15. At this point I am thinking that this could have used a little more planning. We surprisingly got to the base slightly after 8:30 and found getting on to the base fairly painless. “Here to see the Blues?”, “Yep”, “Down this road about 3 miles on your left behind the aviation museum.”

Once we rounded the bend before the museum we noticed that we were not the only ones who had this idea. I am guessing about 2,000 people showed up for the practice. The viewing area was behind the restoration hanger and in front of the runways. By the time we even reached the parking lot, the sounds of the practice was hard to ignore. Jets screaming only a hundred feet above the ground in giant loops heading back to new formations over the runways. The pilots are absolutely amazing and I would highly recommend a visit if you ever get the chance. We didn’t end up spending much time in the museum because the pilots were signing autographs giving reason for almost everyone to stay around.

Unfortunately after getting back to the van, we found that the crews from the base had parked us in. Now this wouldn’t necessarily be a story in itself unless you were me. Because the kids hadn’t eaten, and I had a limited amount of coffee, I was ready to go to the beach house. I had already taken the steps to have the information desk announce that someone had parked us in. While I was stewing, I had the thought that I could alter my situation. We were parked in between a car and a fire hydrant. The hydrant was actually several feet from our car but it was protected by pilings. I had the thought that I might be able to pull one of the pilings out of the ground. Now I started to do just that and was making progress when I noticed that a couple of good old boys from the base giving me a not so approving sort of look. So in my wisdom I thought now would be a good time to talk to them. I chose to continue trying to remove the post after a long discussion of one guy telling me not to do it and the other guy saying that he didn’t really care one way or the other. After only a few seconds of walking back to the post one of the guys had followed me back. He said that he would help. I warned him that I wasn’t concerned about pulling it out but I had doubts that it would ever go back in the same hole. In the end he decided that it was too much work and got a forklift and a chain to pull the post. We did in the end get the post back in the hole but not quite back to its original level. The rub to this little tale is that seconds after the forklift pulled it out, the van next to us left which would have given us enough room to leave. Ah, such is life.

March 27th, McQuire’s Irish Pub

Another day of fishing and laying around on the beach. Today ended up being the only day that Glenn caught any fish. The elusive Pompano was finally seen, unfortunately, the fish was too small to keep. The other fish we believe was a gulf kingfish, known locally as a whiting. It looks like a bright silver carp for those of us from the North. The entire family got way too much sun but it was a wonderfully relaxing day. The wind and the surf had picked up considerably making the beach a little more crowded.

That night we went out to dinner with Marsha and Grady as well as Christopher, Denise and Olivia to McGuire’s Irish Pub. The wait was short and the food and company just devine. Quite a large restaurant and known for the dollar bills stapled to the ceilings. Just imagine dollar bills, stapled to the ceiling on only one end so that the other end just hangs pendant from the ceiling. Now imagine not being able to see the ceiling because of the dollar bills. Pretty awesome.

March 28th, The Florabama

Another lazy day. Because of a little too much sun, we decided to stay away from the beach. We lounged around the beach house and went to lunch at the Florabama. The Florabama sits on the Florida and Alabama state line. Most of the original structure was wiped out in the Hurricane but they have rebuilt and are doing a grand business. A boardwalk allows beach access and upper level decks allow seeing the ocean without getting your toes sandy. One of the surprising finds was the fact that they carried Yuengling beer. Now this is truly surprising since Yuengling apparently doesn’t brew enough beer to distribute it to Ohio. At the same time, you can find it almost anywhere in Florida. Now to truly appreciate this you should know that Yuengling is brewed in Pennsylvania. Apparently there are too many drunks in Ohio.

March 29th and 30th, The road home

We left around 2:30 after a short lunch at the Oyster House right before the bridge leaving Perdido Key. The day was your usual, “Dad I have to pee” sort of day. Progress was slow but by around 8:00 we were trying to decide when to stop for the evening. Unfortunately, a running water sound came from the back seat that expedited our plans. Turns out the sound came from Hattie and she was none too happy about her condition. Mom and dad come to think of it weren’t too thrilled either. After trying to avoid the rain while cleaning Hattie and the car up, we started looking for a hotel. We finally found a hotel around 9:30, the last room they had and it was a smoking room. You truly forget how nasty smoking rooms can be. Lucky for us we were sleepy and didn’t smell much better than the room. We left the hotel about 8:00am and reached our lovely little home around 6:00pm.

All in all a wonderful vacation. The ride is always long but the kids travel so well. Steve and Marsha made wonderful hosts and Bo and Ruth were gracious enough to left us rent their family beach house for the week.