But since it was pouring all over the place to the amusement of my niece and nephew, I drug the ladder out of the garage to clean it out while nature was providing me with constant water. I cleaned out the obstruction and immediately noticed a gyser at the base of the downspout. That can’t be good, I thought to myself.

So, I went to the street to see if I could see where the water should be discharging. I found the tube, but as expected nothing was coming out of it. So I went to the garage and grabbed a small diameter piece of wood to see if I could reach the obstruction. Unfortunately, I could only get about 4 inches in and the blockage was very hard.

Plan B. I go to the shed and pull out the heavy artillery. One large spade and a hand trowel and back to the front yard I went. I dug up a smallish portion of yard about 1 foot wide by about 2.5 feet long. Immediately I see a problem. I find the end of the PVC that is sticking through the curb, but it ends about 8 inches behind the curb. Another 10 or so inches behind that is another piece of PVC. I am at this point assuming that this piece runs all the way back to the house but I’m also positive that it is totally full of dirt, leaves, seed pods and anything else that could wash down the downspout. This is definitely going to take a plumber’s snake and that is going to be a project for another day.

Oh, the blockage at the curb? Someone pushed a beer bottle into the end and it just happened to have the exact diameter of the PVC. How kind of them to make sure that the streets didn’t get wet.

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

A couple of weeks ago I woke in the early morning hours from a dream. Immediately upon waking I had this feeling I should share my subconscious thoughts with my family and friends for its entertainment value alone. Since then, I have yet until now, taken the time to write down my dream. Today, I share my funny little mind.

The dream started with a few friends walking ahead of my cousin and I in a field. Brandon and I making small talk, looked back towards the woods that we had recently exited only to see a moose approaching. Now, if it was a normal moose, it wouldn’t be very exciting, but the moose in question was a flying moose. Complete with flexible antlers that waved back and forth as if motioning to his friends to join in a chant of joy. This apparently was enough to carry him swiftly across the field fairly high above Brandon’s and my head.

We turned to see where this flying moose was off to. Heading straight towards our group of friends, Brandon and I still showed nor felt any sign of concern. After all, it was a flying moose, how dangerous could it be?

The only two people in the group that I recognized were my niece Kate and my wife. Several other adults and children were in the group but their identity was unknown to me.

The moose descended onto to the group ahead of us, picking my wife from the herd of humanity. The moose started aggressively dragging my wife’s leather coat from her body. At this point, my cousin Brandon and I immediately ran to a tree in the middle of the field and climbed as high as we could. The moose having completed his mission with my wife, left her and the group shaken but unharmed and turned towards Brandon and I in the tree.

Once again, the moose with antlers flapping side to side, took to the air and flew quickly to our position in the tree. The moose repeated his previous attack on Brandon, tearing the leather jacket from his body. At this point, I am laughing hysterically and feel like I am quite safe since I was not wearing a jacket. However, I mistook the moose’s complete plan, he after removing Brandon’s jacket attacked my hiking boots with a vigor. Jaws and teeth like a horse, oscillated back and forth until my shoes were rendered from my feet. Complete, the moose flew off overhead back into the woods.

I awoke.

Now, amusing as this might be, it is quite troubling on a couple of accounts.

1. My niece is short of 6 months and not yet walking. She was however walking in my dream but appeared to be the same age. Anyway, even though, my helpless niece and wife were being pushed around by a flying moose, I decided to hide in a tree. I guess chivalry truly is dead.

2. Brandon and I chose to hide in a tree when threatened. Now, I wont comment on my cousins intellect, but I hid, in a tree, from a flying moose. Ummm, I cannot comment further.

In conclusion, Glenn the dream analyzer can suggest not to watch too many late night political interviews with Sarah Palin talking about living in Alaska, interspersed with Chick-fil-a commercials of parachuting cows.

20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants | Cracked.com

I suffer from CDO.
its like OCD,
but in alphabetical order,
like it should be…

It wouldn’t be so funny, if it didn’t hit so close to home.

Long live, label makers!